Gender Sensitivity in the Food Service Industry
It’s the second week in a row that I’m writing about customers behaving badly in a food establishment. This time, the incident happened in Cebu City, where a guest was misgendered by a server and was greeted with “Sir” instead of her preferred pronoun “Ma’am.”
Back in the day, this would have been a non-event. In the age of the “woke”, however, a simple apology does not fix things that easily. Going viral further complicates stuff for the parties involved.
Since the issue flooded our feeds, online attacks have gone awry against the person, a member of the LGBTQIA+ community who wrote in a post after the incident, “In the pursuit of my advocacy, I could have done with a little measure of kindness.” Indeed in hindsight, kindness would have spared all of them a lot of trouble.
In this particular case, it seems that the uproar was because the customer allegedly made the waiter stand in front of her for over two hours as a punishment for calling her “Sir.”
In the statement, however, the customer clarified that it was not to punish the waiter but to address the matter with respect and sensitivity, and to resolve matters with restaurant management.
Service with a Smile
In the restaurant business, we often try to remind our staff to smile and keep their cool even in the most tense and difficult situations. This is what we call the swan theory. When you see swans glide through the water, they look calm, majestic, and graceful. The struggle and commotion happen underneath the pond. As humanly possible, our waitstaff attempts to emulate this kind of aura even when under the most difficult situations.
At the peak of operations, servers shift their personality from being docile creatures in front of guests to becoming tigers at the back of the house, demanding cooks to speed up their orders lest they face the ire of hungry customers in case the kitchen messes up.
I saw photos of the waiter standing in front of the lady, and I admire his nerves of steel and humility to be “educated” for a seemingly innocent mistake in using a pronoun. I’ve seen the worst injustices committed without us hearing a word about it.
For a person who runs restos, two hours of “education” means one less server on the floor to serve the other customers who are just as important as the offended lady. It ruins the day’s service game plan as we try to maximize the efficiency of all available manpower per shift.
Ma’am, Sir Plus
Within the restaurant industry, we hear horror stories of waiters and service staff mistreated by people who see them as mere servants, and this attitude is not unique to the Philippines. It is common in countries with a feudal history, where a power dynamic plays between people of different social classes and educational attainments.
We often laugh at those who speak English badly. The misuse of he and she is not uncommon in everyday speech for non-English speakers. To call a naturally-born man ma’am is not common sense, mind you.
I don’t think this incident is a real gender issue. I don’t think the waiter made a judgmental snipe at the guest. I think he addressed her as “Sir” out of confusion.
This does not downplay the need for gender sensitivity education in the hospitality industry, but the advocacy should not be weaponized to justify aggression on service staff.
Service was not refused and no discrimination happened against the guest. The restaurant also did not have a policy against the LGBTQIA+ community. The case is akin to a barista misspelling or mispronouncing one’s name. You don’t spend over two hours teaching them the alphabet or how to read.
I think it was more about showing one’s power and influence over the other.
Restaurant owners struggle when dealing with complex and polarizing issues like this, especially when it affects human dignity and safety in the workplace.
Plea for a Measure of Kindness
A week ago, a friend from our industry wrote on his wall. “Wag na mag siraan. Magtulongan nalang. Life is hard enough, don’t you think?”
I don’t know what he was referring to exactly, but I had a feeling.
The restaurant industry is facing many difficult challenges as it is, and people from our own industry, allied industries, and friends should not put us in awkward situations. The said guest claimed to be friends with the owner, making things difficult to handle, especially when issues blow up like this.
The F&B industry contributes billions in taxes and provides jobs for countless Filipinos, but it takes hard work to stay in business.
With respect to the LGBTQIA+ community, which I am a part of and a supporter of, I ask that we take the advocacy deeper and make it more inclusive to protect the truly marginalized in our society. We strive for equality, not privilege when we have the upper hand in situations.
She said in a video now gone viral, “You come into the argument looking like the weak one, and they’ll never know you have the upper hand.” I think this plays out very well in this case. Let us not allow the already influential among us to use their voice for the wrong reasons or make the advocacy an excuse for mistreating others.
Respect Begets Respect
I reflected on my friend’s message, and I realized that no amount of intelligence or philosophical justifications could replace kindness in simple human interactions, especially when dealing with those who take care of us.
Would you agree, ma’am/sir?
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